My rock-chick 9-year-old is embarrassed to have a mother who looks like this:
Instead she would prefer a mother who looks like this:
But, despite the shedding of my winter tweed and the purchasing of designer wellies, my efforts do not satisfy her and so she presents me with this:
If I achieve all six targets she will buy me soap.
I have spent the last ten years anticipating my Second Flowering, but the mirror merely shows an autumnal withering. So when one of the school-gate throng suggests that I take her at her word, I decide that I shall give natural processes a prod and dazzle my daughter at school pick-up. I consult some of the mothers whom she has wished me to resemble and they are thrilled at the prospect of helping new life emerge from my Boden corduroy.
The evening before my transformation, Facebook is abuzz with strategies for shoring up my face with cosmetic adhesives. Since my wardrobe is irredeemable, a call goes out and carrier bags are proffered surreptitiously at morning drop-off.
I shave my chin in preparation and, after I have baked the cakes for the parish tea and set the church tea urn simmering, I am ready to be cool.
The process takes 50 minutes and involves a rucksack full of paint and powder and the painstaking ingenuity of two mothers:
Eventually I emerge as a rock chick:
There are difficulties. I have forgotten to shave my armpits and so an emergency replacement must be found for the transparent, sleeveless top that was to reinvent me. The boots are two sizes too large, so I retain my hiking socks as wadding. And I cannot stand upright on stiletos, so someone lends me a pushchair with a baby in it and I clutch it like a zimmer as I teeter to school.
At the school gate I am a sensation
I stand as my daughter has trained me to do, with my right hip cocked and a car key dangling from my forefinger, only I haven't brought the car so I borrow the keys to the church vestry.
BUT - my son brushes straight past and does not recognise me. And my daughter? Her gaze flicks over my Jimmy Choo sunglasses and she asks my neighbour where her mummy is.
She is horrified when she registers me, and then she is thrilled. She tries on the stilleto boots and the leggings and she protests when I reclaim my corduroy smock.
I am worried about the Vicar. He is frightened by the diagonal seams on my skirt from M&S so he might not have the stamina for leopard print. But when he arrives for the church tea he is overcome with awe at my transfiguration.
I am triumphant. I tell my daughter that I have achieved my six targets in one go and that she owes me soap. She regards me with kindly patience.
'That was just once,' she says. 'I meant you have to do it every day.'
Very many thanks to anyone who voted for me in the Brilliance in Blogging Awards. Thanks to you, I have made it as far as the Lit category shortlist. Any further prods to win me cyber-stardom would be hugely appreciated. Just click on the badge thingy above and then, I assume, the process becomes obvious. Oh, and if you have the energy to add to my nominations for the MADS awards by clicking the other icon I'll let you try on the leopard print!
Thats superb !!!!! fine line between rock chick and chav, takes something to carry off lie leopard print :-D:-D:-DReplyDelete
Brilliant! Love this. I am a fan of and subscriber to the Boden look, but I have to say you look amazing in those leggings!!! I have a boy, 3, who at present only says cute things like 'I like your skirt mummy'. However, my mum is always nagging me to wear less dowdy stuff and "show my legs off" etc. grrrr.ReplyDelete
Brilliant - Well done! Can't wait for tomorrow'a photo ;P.ReplyDelete
Wow! You look a-ma-zing dahling! If someone can carry off leopard skin leggings it's you!ReplyDelete
Erm hello? How fabulous are your legs?ReplyDelete
Thank you for posting this. Brilliant.
Priceless! I could never dare to wear leopard skin leggings, you look great!ReplyDelete
my daughter would disown me if I looked like your 'after' picture (you look amazing obviously) I am very 'casual hippy' I think she might actually die of embarrassment if I even wore makeup out!
I'm crying laughing at this. There is actually tea all over my computer keyboard, which went everywhere after I couldn't stop snorting at the 'after' picture. Best blog post ever, bar none!ReplyDelete
That is so funny. I like the nail varnish colour! Your post did make me giggle, especially shaving the chin.ReplyDelete
Utterly brilliant! You are one brave lady :)ReplyDelete
Oh my good Lord! I mean really, I may have to take up religion after this! You are an utter star (which is why I voted for you already;)ReplyDelete
OMG, I'm like, that's just so cool! Actually, that hair does something for you...ReplyDelete
That's amazing! I think you look lovely in the first pic. Much better than you would if you were wearing a tracksuit! I hope that the vicar has recovered! ;o)ReplyDelete
Hello Anna, My son in Thursday morning homework desperation kindly and misguidely wrote "My mum is fasionable because she wears bright colours." Being a boy mother is not a sartorial mine field, although not sure what the constant cardigain pulling is all about. (Also not sure how I came to have such a large collection of misshappen cardigains- the purple Boden one does retain it's shape best.) CharlieReplyDelete
Wonderful! I love it! :)ReplyDelete
This was fabulous! Really funny. What a make over adventure! And you look great (before and after). Why am I thinking Sandy from Grease !? I do hope it wasn't a bar of Cussons your daughter gave you. I really hope you win in the Lit catergory. You are a great writer. This post was particularly fab!ReplyDelete
How fabulous did you look Anna!! I think you wear my boots better than me!ReplyDelete
Funny. I'm not sure it works quite so well when it's the vestry keys somehow!ReplyDelete
You look amazing - what a figure! How can you comment on mine that you feel less of a woman if you don't do your own cleaning when you could be vamping yourself up instead! Great post.ReplyDelete
I want those trousers. You look awesome.ReplyDelete
(PS do people really dress up for the school gate?? Really? I have so much to learn)
You really are a star & game for anything - fabulous!ReplyDelete
HOWEVER - slightly unnerving seeing you in leopard print leggings - I so prefer the Boden look.
STEP AWAY FROM THE LEGGINGS MATRON!!!!!
You should wear your hair off your face more often, you are too beautiful to hide it away.ReplyDelete
What a good sport humouring your daughter like that. Thank goodness she didn't demand a boob job!
Few mothers could rock those leggings so well. That is an achievement in itself!ReplyDelete
We just wanted to let you know that your blog has been nominated in the Blog of the Year category in the MAD Blog Awards – congratulations! The MADs are the UK's biggest awards for parent bloggers and around 1,500 blogs take part in our awards each year. Our finalists - the blogs with most nominations – are invited to a fantastic awards ceremony later in the year. To find out more about the awards and the the prizes visit our website at www.the–mads.com. You can also download badges to let your readers know about the awards.
And a further congratulations as your blog has also been nominated in the Best New MAD Blog category.Delete
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