The Facts of Life: Part II

My daughter is staging a show in the sitting room. Usually she swirls one of my winceyette nighties to the Hits of the Monkees. Today, though, she is wearing a black mini skirt (bought by her grandmother), a black crop top (bought by her grandmother), strappy black high heels (ditto) and a black leather, metal- studded waist clincher (ditto ditto).

'I am a hard girl,' she sings, 'and I need a man who likes it rough.' On the sitting room stereo, Lady Gaga decides that she can't sleep with a man who dims her shine. My nine-year old sings gustily along with her.

I am in a dilemma. She hasn't a clue what she's singing about. If I snap it off she'll suspect adult mystery. She'll interrogate me for enlightenment or, worse, interrogate her street-savvy class-mates. And so I sit tight and watch her gyrate and I reflect on the snares of motherhood.

She'd spent her savings on the CD with my reluctant sanction. 'Explicit lyrics' warned the label of the Jesse J album she'd coveted and so I'd deflected her to this one. I am an unqualified arbiter for a modern pre-teen. The complete works of Doris Day devoured my own youthful pocket money and it's never crossed my mind that I should Google each song title before braving HMV.

Later I hide Lady Gaga under the laundry basket and put my edgiest Doris Day on for tea time. 'Tenderly,' Doris sings, 'and breathlessly, make love to me, my darling. Possess me!' My daughter's stops chewing. 'Why,' she asks, 'would loving someone make you breathless?'

I tell her to eat up her boiled eggs and I stalk to the stereo and rip out Doris and put on 100 Best Hymns.


  1. Lol. This totally made me laugh. It IS a tough road to know how to approach this sort of thing. My little'un is only 8 months right now, so we don't think much of playing movies/music that we maybe shouldn't expose him to. But I'm sure a time will come not too long from now when it will come back to bite us in the bum, and we'll have to rethink everything we see/listen to. It seems even the classics aren't safe!

  2. I always suspected that Doris was a bit of a goer. I think you'd be safer with Vera Lynn.

  3. I remember when my 2 went from Peppa Pig to MTV & gyrating to Cheryl Cole. I am guilty of buying the Jessie J CD & the girls know to fast forward the explicit songs or "the ones with the naughty words" - they also know if I hear them repeating them - Jessie J will go into the bin.
    Darling I hate to say it BUT Doris Day was your childhood memory & there isn't much room for her in todays world. Dolly Parton on the other hand........

  4. I agree with Sally – there's nothing dodgy about Dolly and her totally asexual figure.

  5. can't wait for the blog when said daughter stuffs her t-shirt with winceyette nightie............

  6. Funny post. Tough decision.
    For what it's worth - I don't think at nine song words are anything but that, if they don't understand it doesn't worry them. I exect they hear worse in the playground.
    My 12-year-old is doing "reproduction" at high school and declares it to be "totally gross"!

  7. Well, that's a comfort! But my small son weaves song lyrics into general conversation. He told a departing builder, as he bade him farewell, that he could feel his heart bleeding (courtesy of Eternal Flame).

  8. Excellent post. What a mine field - what are you supposed to do especially when Doris Day is gagging for it !!!??? What a dilemma, although I do suspect lyrics are more explicit these days or maybe I am getting old? Would you like to write a guest post for my blog? If you are interested - contact me via website -

  9. Yes, I'm beginning to get disillusioned with Doris. Four husbands is just plain greedy. Next up Thora Hird.

  10. Ha! Goodness only knows what lyrics will be like in another 15 years time!

    Maybe you should dig out some Jive Bunny - no risqué lyrics in there!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Various Uses of Rubber

Driving Parents Round the Bend