Scientific Knickers

Julia’s 100-word Challenge this week wants us to incorporate the words liberty, empire, apple, yellow and enormous. She has evidently been excited by a recent trip to New York. I was going to duck out, then I remembered a snippet I’d just read in the Daily Mail.


I aspire to a pear-shape, but the reality is more of a withered yellow apple. Child-bearing has killed off my crop-tops and poured me into the more accommodating contours of empire-line smocks. From behind I’m still skinny, but, front-on, strangers are apt to congratulate me on my happy event. However, today’s newspapers announce M&S’s scientific knickers which will subdue my post-natal midriff into a wasp waist. My glee is enormous. An alchemy of polyamide and elastane; panels, padding and mesh will sculpt my flesh while allowing my lungs full liberty, so, henceforth, an hourglass figure in a sheath dress will be manning the church tea urn. 


Comments

  1. Julie Goucher15 May 2012 at 07:32

    Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous15 May 2012 at 07:37

    G Sussex
    Nicely crafted and seamless linkage between the set words!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sally-Jayne15 May 2012 at 08:13

    Fabulous. I love how you have used the prompt words in such different ways - and I can definitely relate to that cursed apple-shape!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sandra Crook15 May 2012 at 08:24

    You're right, your submission and mine are eerily similar. I wonder what that says about us. Loved yours. Love the knickers even more. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Older Mum15 May 2012 at 08:36

    Wonderful! Love the use of empire - very clever! Are M&S really selling scientific knickers? Well, if so, I'm a very happy madam indeed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron15 May 2012 at 09:14

      Yep, they're called Waist Sculpt, or something. They're like a flexible, non-asphyxiating corset.

      Delete
  6. Lynsey Summers15 May 2012 at 11:12

    Excellent entry! I think many women will concur with this!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Louise15 May 2012 at 13:42

    I am a pear, don't to be an apple, would rather be a runner bean (with a couple of exceptions!) Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron15 May 2012 at 21:50

      Pears are good. I'm actually more of a runner bean with a bulge in the middle, but annoyingly runner bean wasn't in the allowable words.

      Delete
  8. Molly @ Mother's Always Right15 May 2012 at 18:43

    I'm sold.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Gilly15 May 2012 at 19:33

    Hahaha excellent!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Bibsey Mama15 May 2012 at 20:06

    Smiling while reading. However, recent pictures on your blog show you to be far foxier than the words do. x

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    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron15 May 2012 at 21:47

      Like I say, I'm scrawny overall, but my Mr Whippy ripples make my Size 8 dresses bulge unexpectedly. I suppose I'm more like a string bean with an extra-large , somewhat flaccid bean in the middle.

      Delete
  11. Random Pearls Of Wisdom15 May 2012 at 20:41

    I'm assuming they could come in leopard print?

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  12. SharonW15 May 2012 at 20:43

    You did a wonderful job of fitting in the required words and making it all flow smoothly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron15 May 2012 at 21:48

      Thank you, They flowed effortlessly for once. Kickers evidently get me going!

      Delete
  13. SparksInShadow16 May 2012 at 06:51

    I liked the flow of this, too. And those knickers sound great! To actually be able to breathe while wearing them ...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Rachel Selby16 May 2012 at 16:19

    Very clever. I've never though about the connection between NYC and M&S knickers before. Can't think why it never occured to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron16 May 2012 at 16:34

      Whenever I see the Statue of Liberty I imagine her in a pair of thermal hip huggers!

      Delete
  15. Unknown16 May 2012 at 16:33

    Would be wonderful to have a pair of those knickers. Loved this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron16 May 2012 at 16:35

      Thank you. Trouble is if we all get a pair my hourglass figure will be lost in the crowd!

      Delete
  16. Mayumi16 May 2012 at 18:42

    That is great! Who has not longed for such a turnaround for our bodies? :D Too bad it's fiction, eh?

    You capture very well the ambivalence of a mother whose body has suffered through children. Not anger or sadness...just a bit of prickly frustration when it comes to fashion.

    Nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron16 May 2012 at 19:38

    It had better not be a fiction! The Daily Mail promised I could look like someone or other in Mad Men http://bit.ly/Jy6ZHL.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous17 May 2012 at 15:24

    You are hilarious! I am so with you on the shape and the resignation...nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron17 May 2012 at 16:41

      Thank you. Am off into town in a sec and wondered, if I bought these knickers, whether I could justify a Swiss Finger as well. Just to test their mettle!

      Delete
  19. Jenny18 May 2012 at 15:58

    This was funny, and how I can relate. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Susan Mann18 May 2012 at 16:35

    lol very clever, love it. x

    ReplyDelete
  21. DancingInTheRain20 May 2012 at 23:55

    Great - loved it. I've always been pear and have suddenly turned apple so could really relate. And, believe it or not, only last month had no choice but to buy scientific knickers (spanx - sp?)from Saks - but only 'cos I couldn't get to M&S. Btw, I used the empire-line prompt too. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron21 May 2012 at 08:15

      That makes at least three of us who did. I'll take a look.

      Delete

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