Ornamental Nipples

One of the ladies of the choir sidles up to me after the Sunday service. She looks furtive. From her handbag she draws a pink carboard box which I hope might have chocolates in. Behind plastic lid nestles a pair of black diamante-studded nipple tassles.

I carry a burdensome assortment of essentials in my handbag, but the addition of nipple tassles has never crossed my mind. The Lady from the Choir explains that they were a long-ago gift and have never had an airing. She wonders if they would come in handy for the next Saturday Caption picture on my blog.

I am grateful but I am uncertain. I believe in undergarments that are fulsome, frill-less and thermal. Behind me is the stern and elderly lay reader. I'm certain that she too believes in undergarments that are fulsome, frill-less and thermal.
And suddenly I cannot resist it. I make my way over and proffer the box. 'Have you any idea,' I ask, 'how one sticks these on?'

The lay reader settles her glasses and peers. 'What are they?' she demands and I explain. She frowns at the box then hauls herself upright on her stick. She glares at me with a mouth that slightly twitches. 'I wouldn't know,' she quips. 'I have a different kind at home!'

Comments

  1. Ruth Taylor4 March 2012 at 20:44

    "Long ago gift". From whom one wonders?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron6 March 2012 at 15:02

      Husband, I think. In the optimistic early days. Or did she say it was her son....?

      Delete
  2. Charlotte4 March 2012 at 20:55

    Shocking! :0)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rebecca English5 March 2012 at 09:34

    Your church sounds far more exciting than any I've ever been to! Think I might skip over your sat cap next week just in case.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A Little Light Work5 March 2012 at 12:35

    So have you tried them on yet?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous5 March 2012 at 18:15

    Very odd.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron5 March 2012 at 18:47

      She was joking, of course. The lay reader, I mean. Was thrilled to discover her inner mischief!

      Delete
  6. Anonymous5 March 2012 at 18:56

    Yet again you've made me spit my tea all over my keyboard as I laugh hysterically at the screen. I'll be invoicing you for a new computer at this rate...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Michael Cargill5 March 2012 at 20:35

    That is an amazing story. You vicarage types get up to all sorts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron5 March 2012 at 20:41

      I didn't get up to nuffink! I was blamelessly walking my hymn book up the aisle ...

      Delete
  8. Older Mum6 March 2012 at 12:27

    What a colourful throng you have at your church! You must start a nipple tassle group!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron6 March 2012 at 15:01

      That would be edgy, but I can't make the darn things attach to my thermal vest!

      Delete
  9. MaidInYorkshire6 March 2012 at 14:57

    I've been saving this up for when I have a spare second from real work - and it was so, so worth it. Why does this not happen in York Minster?!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous6 March 2012 at 15:02

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron6 March 2012 at 15:04

      I'm sure their thongs are very colourful! Thanks, although church life hasn;t been this colourful since the incidents of the breasts in the vestry and the wanking bishop (see posts passim).

      Delete
  11. Anonymous6 March 2012 at 15:03

    I thought Older Mum's comment above said "colourful thong"! Great post, Anna - it conjures up quite a picture of modern church life.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Him Up North7 March 2012 at 10:52

    I was eating breakfast when I read this. I've just had to swallow it for the second time...

    ReplyDelete
  13. @SAHDandproud5 August 2012 at 18:38

    Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
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