Saturday, 4 February 2012

Disturbing Secrets

Oldersinglemum, having revealed her inner being on her blog, desires to know seven of my secrets in order to earn a 'Tell Me About Yourself; Your Blog is Great Award'. And MotherventingSahdandproud and Random Pearls of Wisdom have tagged me to do something called 7 x 7 which also requires seven secrets plus seven blog posts that I have particularly admired. I definitely do not have enough secrets to go round all of them. Most of my secrets are secret for good reason. I am, however, prepared to disclose the following, provided that they go no further than the worldwide web:

1: I once did a bodyguard training course which obliged me to carry my large male trainer over my dwarfish shoulder and to be carried down a riverbed over the shoulders of eight different men. They said if I hadn't been there they would have used a log.

2: I am writing alternating paragraphs of a spoof Mills & Boon bodice-ripper online with my brother and am in terror of penning the inevitable romantic, er, climax.

3: I am evangelical about gin picnics. Instructions: pour gin and tonic into child's school water bottle and purloin two plastic Winnie the Pooh beakers from the kiddie cupboard. Lay in olives or Pringles according to taste and budget. Invite a friend (optional). Haul to the nearest open land, the higher the altitude the better. Consume. Allow extra time and caution for the return journey.

4: I once stuck...no, that one had best remain a secret.

5: I have perfected a strategy for removing a thermal vest on the top deck of a bus without many other passengers noticing.

6: I have never recovered from the thing that my late grandmother once told me about donkeys.

7: I hate fudge

And here are seven blog posts that I really wish I'd written myself:

The Joy of Bad Sex Guides by Maidinyorkshire
I Am Doing Nothing by Northernmum
Por-No by The Male Nanny
Bells by HimupNorth
Flames by Snooandme
How I Love a Good Valeting by Flossingthecat
Accidental Parenting: Naked Beans Night by Morethanjustamother

If any of them wish to take up the baton I'd be pruriently interested. If not, I don't in the least blame them.

18 comments:

  1. Very funny. I have amused myself for a few moments filling in the gaps. I have decided what your grandmother told you about the donkey and how in fact, that relates to secret number 4.

    Thankyou for the distraction from marking literacy books!

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    Replies
    1. Your imaginings are probably far more thrilling than the reality. Although, no, not the donkey thing....

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  2. Please may I come on a gin picnic?

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    1. 'Course you can. You bring the gin; I'll bring the Pringles.

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  3. Must be good to know you have an alternative use as a log !

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    1. It's actually unnerving being a log when the weather gets this cold.

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  4. Thank you for picking up the baton so eloquently. Wow! Bodyguarding and donekys. It's not often you seethose in the same few paragraphs. Genius.

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  5. Won't you share that thing about donkeys? That's just teasing.

    One of my happiest childhood memories is staying at my Grandmother's house, and feeding the donkeys who lived in the field next to her house. They were called Toffee and... FUDGE.

    Your list of secrets ties in at least three of those elements, which is a bit weird. And actually, don't share that donkey thing, because it would ruin my childhood memory.

    Have found your blog from St Bloggie de Riviere. Will be back!

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    1. Very nice of you to come by. I have nothing against donkeys called Fudge! In fact, I'm very fond of donkeys. Just not in the way that...well, never mind!

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  6. Love the idea of a 'gin picnic', cannot understand how you hate fudge.

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  7. Replies
    1. Everyone is welcome. Just roll up with a plastic beaker and some Gordons. Nibbles on me!

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  8. Why is everyone so obsessed with gin? I tried it the other day and it's just yucky.

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    1. Actually I much prefer lager, but lager picnics don't set the same tone. Gin on a rocky outcrop is swank.

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  9. Thank you for sharing secrets, and for mentioning me.

    Your number 5 is so true to my life...

    I did once manage to change my skirt on a public bench in Brighton without anyone noticing (except my mother, who thought it was yet more proof that her eccentric genes had all come my way...)

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  10. OK. Here is my challenge to you. When penning your romantic climax, you must incorporate all the ingredients from your list! I mean, discreetly removing a thermal vest on the top deck of a bus has to be the contemporary answer to bodice-ripping, doesn't it? And as for being carried down a riverbed on the shoulders of eight men, it's just so chivalrous you just have to work it in. i can't wait to read it tbh.

    Ta for the mention, I won't let u down x

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    1. That's a fetching idea but Topaz is definitely not the sort of girl to wear thermals or ride on a bus and she and her fiance have already dangled side by side over the hero's muscular shoulders as he strode down a Spanish mountain. Suppose I could try something with donkeys...

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  11. Ah thanks for the mentioned, am honoured x

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