Monday, 29 April 2013

Real Men

Spiders, it seems, are the secret to machismo. Women, asked by pollsters what vital ingredient marks out a real man, were in broad agreement: real men are unfazed by wildlife in the bathtub. They also support their local football team, drive their own car and earn more than their wives. So finds the stain removal firm, Dr Beckmann which commissioned the survey on household heroes. Quite why a stain removal firm wishes to plumb machismo is a mystery to me, but I could have saved them the trouble, for there is nothing I don't know about manliness. Why, I even possess many of the essential attributes myself.

A real man, ladies, is someone who:

fearlessly, when a menacing midnight sound wakes the household, plunges through the darkness and, without thought for his own wellbeing, swabs the pool of childish vomit on the landing. 

grabs a knife in an emergency and, with a skilfully improvised stew, succours his defeated wife and little ones.

with muscled vigour that brooks no dissent, grabs at his woman and thrusts a Champneys voucher into her nappy bag.

hurtles resolutely through the witching hours to save his mother-in-law from a station taxi fare.

armed only with a biro and his own quick wit, stands shoulder to shoulder with his youngest in face of the eight times table. 

What would you say makes a real man?


18 comments:

  1. Doesn't hesitate when asked "Do I look alright in this?"

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  2. Isn't afraid to change the bed sheets and the duvet cover because he knows how much I hate it

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    Replies
    1. Must be a myth. I'll keep looking.

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  3. Cleans up the dog vomit, which is so much worse than kids vomit.

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    Replies
    1. That's sealed my prejudices against dogs.

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    2. And cleans the dog poo off the kids' shoes.

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  4. A real man says 'Sit down darling, I'll cook tonight' and does, but probably doesn't wash up? That would go too far for us wouldn't it? ;)

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  5. Gets up before you in the morning to get the fire going so that wife and child should not feel the cold through their pjs... then creeps back to bed not to be seen for hours after the house is warm.

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    Replies
    1. Or, in our case, switches the central heating on!

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  6. A real man sews the badges on a cub uniform. And knows where to put them.
    (anon rach)

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  7. Doesn't need to be asked to do anything/reminded (nagged) to do anything, but sees something that needs doing at home and just does it.

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  8. A real man would most definitely not use a kitchen knife to grout the bathroom..

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