Adolescence

I am the sort of mother who wishes her children's lives away. When they were helpless newborns I longed for the day when they crawled. When they crawled I longed for the day when they walked. When they walked I was impatient for speech, when speech arrived in a volley of vacuous questions, I counted the years until intelligent conversation and when intelligent conversation budded, I looked forward to the liberty of school days.

Now my oldest is nine and I want time to stop. I dread the transformation of adolescence as vigorously as she plans for it. I have no map to chart me through these turbulent years, for I was not a normal teenager. Doris Day was my pin up, tree-climbing my hobby and hand-me downs from the church warden my preferred daywear.

My 9-year-old, however, declares that she will marry a Chelsea footballer who embraces tattoos, body piercings and a daily night out down the pub. She studies her face in anxious anticipation of spots that will indicate the onset of puberty 'because then I get to be moody'.

She asks anxiously if ladies are allowed to swear. She begs trips to Hollister so she can ready her wardrobe for her teens. And she is experimenting with a gentle rebellion against all things are not cool (God, Clark's shoes, Classic FM, homemade fairy cakes, correct consonants, my waterproof coat, Skodas) and evangelising about all things that are (Juicy Couture, Barratts's shoes, Jesse J, cheese strings, silver people carriers, white leather sofa suites and Blue-nosed Bears).

Instinct warns me not to protest too vociferously, but she notes my trepidation and, pitying, hastens to set my mind at rest. 'I will have to swear when I'm a teenager,' she warns me kindly, 'but I won't smash windows.'

Comments

  1. Lara8 July 2012 at 18:46

    Bugger. Not a chance I'm going to get any sleep tonight, thanks. And mine's not even a year old yet... ;)
    Ah well, good to hear your neighbours windows are safe. Hopefully I'll be as lucky in a few years time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:08

      Relax! You've got far more to worry about than teens ..terrible twos, for instance...

      Delete
  2. Unknown8 July 2012 at 19:59

    I'm glad I don't have to worry about this for a few years yet. Good luck traversing those adolescent years, I'm sure you'll manage to navigate those turbulent waters

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:09

      I'm not so sure. Hopefully by then we'll have moved somewhere where riots aren't a summer diversion for the local youth.

      Delete
  3. Rachel Selby8 July 2012 at 20:45

    I also eagerly await the next stage even while enjoying the one we're in. Swearing is cheaper than replacing broken windows so i guess you'll get off lightly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:09

      Suppose you're right. And most of the curses she'll have learned from me on when negotiating the local bypass.

      Delete
  4. Molly8 July 2012 at 20:55

    Do they still have "Nappy Nights" at the local nightclubs? Not to worry you or give you something else to dread, but... yeah, just forget I mentioned it. Totally nothing to worry about I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:10

      What are nappy nights? Toddler raves? Thing she'd rather have Stiletto Soirees.

      Delete
  5. jane @ northernmum8 July 2012 at 22:10

    God help you....

    I used to get drunk at nappy nights

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:10

      I don't know what nappy nights are. But may He also help you, thrice over!

      Delete
  6. AlwaysARedhead8 July 2012 at 22:21

    When she enters her teens, if you are like me, you will wish for the diaper stage once again, it is far easier believe me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruth Taylor9 July 2012 at 08:18

      Ooh no! About to start adolescence with the step-daughter. She's just discovered 'boys'!

      Delete
    2. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 15:11

      I know I will. It's just beginning to dawn on me.

      Delete
  7. Ruth Taylor9 July 2012 at 08:24

    Seriously though, having just attended the lovely wedding of my 'just 24 year old', I feel overwhelmed at how swiftly time has passed. I watched with pride a slide-show of the happy couple; a montage of pictures from birth to the present day, including all the big milestones, with a giant lump in my throat, and a lake of tears in my eyes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 16:42

      I like the idea of mine being 24. It's the intervening teens that frighten me.

      Delete
  8. Actually Mummy...9 July 2012 at 11:47

    Oh thank the lord it is not just me and GG! She's only 7 but she already despises Clarks and no longer wants to borrow my jewellery. But fairy cakes??? Seriously, I had no idea home-made cakes weren't cool!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 16:44

      They're not cool when everyone else at school has packets of Mr Kipling.

      Delete
  9. Older Mum9 July 2012 at 20:52

    I'm sure life moved slower in the '70's and 80's - I dont rememeber being bothered about fashion and makeup until at least 13 years old. How times have changed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 16:44

      I wasn't bothered about fashion until I was 35 and am still awaiting the passion for make up to ignite in me. Am baffled by modern Youth!

      Delete
  10. Older Single Mum9 July 2012 at 21:42

    More and more posts make me grateful for two boys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 16:45

      The boys at our primary school are more into their looks and labels than the girls. They even show off the waistbands of their Ralph Lauren underpants.

      Delete
  11. Iota 9 July 2012 at 23:27

    Teenage boys grunt and shrug, but that's not much help for you. I'm told it's very different with girls.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jay11 July 2012 at 15:42

    So much to look forward to!! I have teenage boys but I have a feeling that my 9 year old daughter will be a whole other story!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron11 July 2012 at 16:47

      At least you can leave her with her older brothers while you go out on the razz.

      Delete
  13. Bibsey Mama13 July 2012 at 17:41

    Oh my. I cringe when I remember my teenage self. I swore like Gordon Ramsey, on public transport, loudly. I thought I was so grown up. Dreadful. Suerte mi amiga.

    ReplyDelete
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