Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Birthday Blues

I assumed, having survived my 11-year-old's birthday party last month with the temporary mislaying of only two children, that I was an expert in the subject. I knew, for instance, that the combination of of nine guests, a flour-filled ball, white jeans and the London Transport system was a risky one and so, to celebrate my son this week, we decided on two guests and the family Skoda. But once again I had failed to think ahead and so here, for your instruction, dear readers, is the next chapter of my party survival guide for pressed parents. Before embarking on an outing to the local soft play centre - or indeed, any physical activity involving small boys - ensure that you:

Clear your diary for the rest of the week to accommodate twice daily trips to the Fracture Clinic.

Start collecting pound coins several weeks in advance to feed the ticket machines in the hospital car park. My experience suggests £20 in loose change is required in a 36 hour period.

Fill yourself up guiltlessly on the party food because it might be several nights before you eat a proper meal again.

Dispense with your contact lenses to create immunity to the posters papering the hospital waiting area warning that your tiredness/aching limbs/confused brain/nightly lager are forerunners of an early death.

Rehearse a repertoire of lavatorial jokes to distract your small companion during the four hour stints in said waiting area.

Carry at all times a small pot of jelly beans with which to disarm flustered nurses.

Make up the spare room bed before the big day so that you do not disturb your slumbering spouse when you and the birthday boy stumble in from A&E at 1am.

Forewarn your workplace that you will require flexible deadlines for at least three days following the event.

See? Easy once you know how! And now, forearmed, you can relax and enjoy the unique bliss of mothering...







18 comments:

  1. uh oh! hope he is back on his own two feet soon. Glad I am just taking mine to the cinema

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    1. Gotta be careful of cinemas. All that slippery popcorn in the darkness. Bound to end in crutches!

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  2. Oh dear! Been to (and hosted!) loads of soft play parties. Sorry yours ended so badly! :-( Hope he mends soon.

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    1. Thank you. Oddly I was more worried about my 11yo swinging 40ft from treetops at Go Ape last month than soft play and she escaped unscathed!

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  3. Aaaarghgh... He'll look back in years to come and have a story to tell which will no doubt get embroidered into something wonderful, including how marvellous his mother was throughout the whole thing. Perhaps.

    I really like your rug and the blue/white china planter.

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    1. Thanks! I think he'll remember how taciturn I'd become by the fourth hospital wait.

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  4. Wish him a speedy recovery & give him a big cuddle from me please. Hope you are bearing up, children can be such a worry

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    1. You can cuddle him in person if you come on Sunday!

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    2. I think he deserves one before Sunday don't you?

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    3. I think he deserves one before Sunday don't you?

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  5. Oh no! Poor love - you I mean, not him! Not really. Poor both of you. Such a shame to see this. I know those hospital waits can make you lose the will to live - am hoping you can recover from those and that your lovely little one is not in too much pain and makes a speedy recovery too xx

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    1. He's bearing up very well, thanks, and the pain's almost gone now they've exchanged the plaster cast for that glamorous boot.

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  6. Ouch...bet that was painful. Poor chap. 'Soft play' is a pretty poor description of the experience. 'Children run around doing the wall of death whilst resembling caged tigers' may be closer to the truth.
    (anon rach)

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    1. That description would prove even more tempting to many small boys!

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  7. Oh no, your poor birthday boy! Having just twisted my ankle I can just imagine how painful that must be. You'd need quite a few nightly lagers to recover from your experience ;-)

    xx Jazzy

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  8. OMG, my 12yo wants to go karting...

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    1. You probably need to book a couple of weeks off work then!

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