Sunday, 10 March 2013

Mothering Sunday

'What,' the Vicar asked the assembled children at the Mothering Sunday service, 'does your mother do for you?'
'She cooks us nice meals,' answered one.
'She gives us love,' lisped another.
'She tells us off!' mumbled my son.

I marshalled a beatific smile and attempted to resemble the tirelessly loving, deliciously competent cooks in the pews all around me. I tied a tablecloth round a small boy who was portraying the disciple John during the sermon, I draped a blue handkerchief over the head of a small girl who was being Mary and I hoped that in the eyes of all but my offspring I embodied an icon of motherhood.

Then the children gave out daffodils to their mothers. 'I told 'em I had two lesbian mothers so I could get you two bunches,' said my daughter loudly. This time my beatific smile was ineffective. The elderly worshipper next to me shifted sharply along the pew.

When the service ended the octogenarian lay reader limped up on her frame. I feared she took a dim view of sapphic parenting and was wary as she thrust an envelope at me. Inside was a newspaper cutting of Myleene Klass dressed in skin-tight black leather. I was non-plussed.

'Is this a hint?' I asked, wondering how a leather catsuit would go with my new Mothers Union membership badge.
The lay reader contemplated my bobble-knit legs and unironed corduroy.
'You'd best stay as you are,' she concluded. 'You look like a mummy.'

Do you live up to others' ideals of motherhood?

20 comments:

  1. There is the option of being a Yummy Mummy these days, according to the Daily Mail Online. It's like being an actress but without having to learn your lines. I'll let you know if I find a way to achieve the look - I think it may be out of my league.

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    1. I'm not sure I want to look like a Yummy Mummy. I'd rather be a rockchick!

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  2. YOu sound like the perfect mother to me. Just the right mix of sardonic dry wit and churchgoing ;)

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  3. I think I might have been at your service this morning, we had that same question and my kids said 'I tidy up'. Good to know I have a job!

    Mich x

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  4. This made me laugh, especially how you got two bunches!

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    1. Actually, I got three. The scout leaders, who were distributing the flowers, probably think I'm in a menage-a-trois!

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  5. Funny! The first time my son went to church he asked during a prayer, in what seemed to be the loudest voice possible, 'Mummy, why is everyone sleeping?" ... it was one of those moments when you just wish the floor would open up and swallow you whole!

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    1. I'd love to have been there. Sounds a very pious church. My daughter, during the nine lessons and carols, asked equally loudly, 'Mum, what's a virgin?'

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  6. I'd really like to know what your reply was?!

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  7. She followed it up by adding 'a cuddly mummy'. Given her venerable years I was obliged to take it with good grace! Even gave her a cuddle to demonstrate the irresistibleness of my woolly layers!

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  8. According to my daughter I had a menage-a-trois this week too - I did point out that 3 people going out for dinner is not really the same thing at all and suggested she might like to take up Spanish.

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  9. Oh my goodness - your daughter is so wily, I couldn't stop laughing! And your Church isn't half full of characters! Hope you had a lovely day!

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  10. As long as you live up to your childrens expectations of a mother the rest are irrelevant. The fact your daughter invented that story to get you 2 bunches says it all I reckon.

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    1. Nice of you to console me, but actually my daughter and expects me to look like Myleene Klass!

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  11. Do the Myleene thing and Smile inanely and look unnaturally perky for a whole evening - that'll freak her out and have you receiving chants for ' bring back the courdroy!' again within minutes ...

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    1. I'm not sure I could manage perkiness of an evening but I'm grateful for the advice.

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