Sunday, 17 March 2013

Makeover

My children want to make biscuits. 'To be a cook you must have the look!' says the ten-year-old. She has been holding clandestine talks with my mother about my need for cosmetic enhancements and, while I'm looking out my apron, she produces a bucket full of lurid substances which I never knew she owned.



She applies to cosmetics the same technique that she uses for her splatter paintings. Now and then she swabs the splashback off with a tissue soaked with spittle.

My looks may be improved by the ordeal but my confidence is not. 'I can't get the lip gloss on straight,' she says, making random sweeps with a tube of pink gel, 'because you've got all these little red lines going off your mouth.' When I am suitably glistening she tells me to keep my mouth shut at all times to hide my yellow teeth. Then she ponders a cunning hairstyle that will hide my moles.




Eventually I am ready to survey my new reflection. 'You look years younger!' she tells me. I look, in fact, like Colonel Gaddafi with conjunctivitis. She modifies my bright pink eyelids with bright blue and rubs a layer of the black mascara from my beetling brows with spit. The green face glitter she admits is a mistake and it's scrubbed off with loo roll. Then she leads me to the Vicar's study, certain that he'll rejoice anew in his life's companion. The Vicar looks up from his sermon. 'You look like a trollop!' he says. The ten-year-old sags. 'A very nice trollop,' he adds kindly.

I tell my my daughter that she has done a fine job. I don't tell her that I shall scrape every last bit of it off my face before taking my Mothers' Union vows in front of a congregation of 80. Then it hits me...

... I don't possess any make-up remover!




Nominations are now open for the Brilliance in Blogging Awards 2013. If you relish the thrill of voting, but are stumped for a candidate, feel free to use my URL in any of the categories! Should I be shortlisted my 10yo will give anyone who voted for me a makeover.

10 comments:

  1. I am speechless.

    Suspect your daughter may be a bit ahead of her time.

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    1. No need to buy makeup remover then? This look could soon be hot?

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  2. "Colonel Gadaffi with conjunctivitis"! *snort*

    Unfortunately for you, there are bound to be a few people who type that into Google as a search term and land here.

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    1. After someone landed on my blog seeking 'middle-age squirts on machine' I'm inured to search terms!

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  3. Wonderful, I too have been made over by one of my children and it is actually a lovely intimate thing to do together, I really enjoyed it. However the outcome can be slightly alarming, hope that Mothers' Union vow went well.

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    Replies
    1. It was quite sweet. But less enjoyable having to look a Waitrose checkout lady in the eye from under my disguising hat brim. At least I'm injecting new glamour into the MU!

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  4. Now THAT'S a make over - I need to wear shades! :o).

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  5. I find it very refreshing that your make over is rather OTT and just 'not quite right'. Too many girls at that age are pretty proficient with make-up and are losing their childhoods.

    Less is more.............

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