Wednesday, 22 October 2014

How to Spice up a Marriage

I'm discussing reliable waterproofing with a dog walker on the trudge back from school and suddenly we veer on to conjugal thrills. He tells me how a friend was dumped by her partner because he no longer found her exciting. Because of that, he says, he and his wife resolved to inject daily excitement into their marriage.

I smile politely and make to flee, but he's still in full spate. 'So what I do first thing in the morning,' he continues, visibly invigorated by the memory of it, 'is make her a cup of tea. Another day I might do the washing up. Today it will be dusting. That's what we call excitement - we don't need no swinging from chandeliers.'

As I listen I feel my own pulse quickening. The thought of the Vicar assaulting our black mould makes me dizzy. I picture him running the Miele nozzle over neglected crevices and gouging the remains of last night's supper from the plug hole in the sink.

I stumble home in my mud-slimed wellies. The Vicar is shut in his study. He glances up courteously as I burst in, his fingers still poised over his keyboard. He looks the embodiment of a man who needs marital excitement. I decide not to discompose him mid-sermon. Instead I shall stimulate him when he's least expecting it with techniques for which I've never before found the energy.

I shall, with my own unpractised fingers, fasten the new Harpic blocks that have languished for weeks atop the bread bin on to the lavatory rims. I shall squeeze globs of Felix into the cat bowls before we turn in at night without waiting for him to ask. I might even dig out the iron and smooth his clerical shirts.  

But tonight - tonight I shall start big. I shall look out the latex that I keep for emergencies and the miracle potion that prompts such fizz and steam.  And, by the time he comes to bed, I shall have descaled our ailing kettle in readiness for that morning thrill of Tetleys.

18 comments:

  1. I need to walk my dog where you do! I had a scintillating conversation this morning on the best paths to take to avoid other peoples dog poo whilst I was walking Gus.

    You have inspired me to inject a little excitement into my relationship though.

    Tonight I shall present SD with a platter of soap scum and hair I plan on removing from the shower drain as a token of my love for him. If only I'd thought to preserve the mountain of crumbs I emptied out of the toaster the other week or at the very least I could have reformed them into a small farmhouse loaf of affection ...

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    1. The toaster crumbs - that's a heady stimulant I'd forgotten about!

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  2. You are hilarious! Would you please be my neighbour? Perhaps your husband could relocate to Toronto?

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    1. I would love to be your neighbour. But couldn't you move here.

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  3. Brilliant! You are so very witty! But I must dash now and clean the oven! X

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    1. Oven - drat! That love token hadn't crossed my mind.

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  4. Absolutely brilliant. Why on earth are none of my dog walking conversations equally inspiring? I spend far too much time listening to stories about local primary schools, despite my children being in their late teens. Sadly these fail to inspire any thoughts of impressive housework to spice up my marriage. I will rush now and empty the hoover to see if that has an impact.

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    1. Annoyingly I performed that chore the day before I realised it was a marital stimulus.

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  5. Brilliant - had a great chuckle on a lonely Monday afternoon at this. Now have just scoured the house and have decided that this evening I will perform my wifely duties and lock the front door before I go to bed, rather than letting him do it. Goodness!

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    1. You do have to be careful with these techniques not to undermine his manhood!

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  6. Today, I have spiced up my marriage by cleaning the entire house & offering to buy fish and chips for supper as I was too tired to cook. Mr A appeared to appreciate the gesture. Will be looking to you for more hilarious advice!

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    1. I'm greatly stirred by how many marriages I've improved with my pair of rubber gloves!

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  7. I can't believe all of you have done all this running about cleaning up, when all you need to do to spice up a marriage is open a bottle of wine and order a take-away. Even just the wine on its own...

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    1. I hate wine! A bottle of Cif is a far surer way to my heart!

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  8. I did re-mastic the shower to surprise DH on his return from cell group. Still waiting for him to notice...oh dear!

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    1. I don't even know what that means! Reminds me I should launder the shower curtain, though, to titivate him!

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