Time Out

'Bet you're looking forward to the summer break!' says the lady in The Co-op. I smile with improvised serenity and sag under the weight of the lager I'm stockpiling.

This last weekend of term has given me a foretaste of the six weeks ahead. Idyllically we grouped in the garden, my children and I. The sun was shining, the barbecue smoking and the hammock swaying under the apple trees. And my ten-year-old:

threw stones at her brother and broke his front tooth.
cracked the back of his head with a carefully-aimed swingball swipe.
jabbed a streak of mascara into her left eyeball.
warbled of lust and bondage outside the vestry wall.

The eight-year-old:

flattened his sister's limited-edition Lucozade bottle
tipped her skull-first out of the hammock.
piled a stash of illicit sweet wrappers under my geraniums.
made resonant remarks about female biology as parishioners passed the garden gate en route to the Sunday service.

I, meanwhile, have spent my weekend mini-break supervising three medical emergencies, diffusing seven fights, flailing through nine swingball matches and processing four baskets of laundry, eight bowls of washing up and two blocked drains. Plus I might, in carrying tones, have informed my daughter that I could murder her as our new neighbours picnicked on the far side of the vicarage fence.

And the Vicar? He has spent the two days in his swivel chair with the study door shut. 'It's so hard on him,' says one of the faithful at the family Eucharist, 'having to work weekends!'

What are your chances of surviving the summer holidays?





Comments

  1. Anonymous22 July 2013 at 00:34

    Not good at all and my children are 24, 21, and soon to be 19 and they still fight like troopers. I was sad being an empty nester, but now I am thinking that it was quite nice as I count the days till they leave for school again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron24 July 2013 at 18:48

      I'm sure I'll be very doleful when my nest empties, so I suppose I'd better make the most of juvenile warfare, but I had hoped it would cease come mid teens!

      Delete
  2. Jay22 July 2013 at 08:46

    My 2 boys sleep 'til lunchtime most days given the chance, I know I should shake them awake to get on with the day - but I'm scared! It's so peaceful when they're asleep!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron24 July 2013 at 18:49

      When mine were little I'd let their afternoon naps run on indefinitely for the same reason.

      Delete
  3. Iota 22 July 2013 at 10:24

    Sounds familiar. And for some reason lost in the mists of time, we're now leaving the comfort of our own home to spend a week under canvas. On the Isle of Mull. Where it always rains.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron24 July 2013 at 18:50

      I'm sure you have a beautiful character, but you are clearly mad as a hatter!

      Delete
  4. Looking for Blue Sky22 July 2013 at 17:37

    My kids mostly ignore each other - perhaps that is better..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Singing Angel22 July 2013 at 18:49

    They looked the picture of togetherness yesterday when the 8yr old was interviewing the 10yr old on the church microphone about her fashion accessories.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Actually Mummy...22 July 2013 at 22:00

    Oh yeah, I'm totally with you on this one! Time for me to stop being a mother and a woman, and in steps REFEREE for the next 6 weeks!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kate23 July 2013 at 20:52

    SO familiar. Except our summer break started a month ago ad runs until 8th Sept...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Older Mum25 July 2013 at 19:08

    OMG!!!!! Was it wrong to laugh !!!!??? I laughed... good luck Anna, very good luck for the coming weeks. I think as much outdoors time as is humanly possible and bribery! X.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Fool26 July 2013 at 21:04

    Of course the theory is that 2 years is the ideal age gap... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron26 July 2013 at 21:43

      Maybe if it had been greater it would have been bricks she was throwing!

      Delete
  10. Older Single Mum6 August 2013 at 11:45

    Thank you. You have made mine look like Angels!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Everyone Else Is Normal11 August 2013 at 22:32

    Simply adored this post. Laughed so hard when I read the last line. I'm forwarding your blog to a friend who's married to a vicar and has kids same age. She'll love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron12 August 2013 at 08:49

      What a nice thing to say. I'm sure your friend's children are angelic!

      Delete

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