Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Hat Tricks

The eight-year-old has acquired a thinking hat. It's a formidable piece of headgear which enables the wearer to unlock cosmic mysteries. By its powers he hopes to storm the indecipherable code that is his school reading book and to locate the lost key to his diary. And, miraculously, he does find that errant key and his reading, when the hat is on his head (and his new glasses on his nose), is noticeably improved.

I have therefore set my sights on this hat. There are many cosmic mysteries that I should like unravelled; many powers I wish to acquire. I plan to sport it in the supermarket to gauge the fastest check-out queue and to wear it in church to banish Boden bargains from my mind during the Eucharistic prayer. Behatted, I should be able to answer my children's questions about why cats don't have to eat greens and what are seven times eight. Most of all, though, I should like the hat to reveal:

Why my hair is migrating from my head to my chin. 

Why, after three wash-loads in a morning, the level of the laundry basket does not go down.

Why the walk to school with the children is twice as far as the walk back without them.

Why under 16s are expert at working the handle of the biscuit cupboard three feet above their heads, but congentially unable to operate the lavatory flush. 

Why the bathroom mirror reflects a middle-aged matron whenever I floss my teeth.

Why the dried food found under the sofa cushions bears no relation to food ever consumed by the family. 

Why coins found under the sofa cushions are always coppers, never £1s. 

Why I wait eagerly each morning for the weather forecast, then never absorb a word of it.

Why it's so much easier to love ones children when they are asleep. 

If you should come upon a thinking hat in your house, what questions would you want answered?






24 comments:

  1. Does any other person living in my house know where the spare loo rolls are kept and how to put them on the loo roll holder!

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  2. Why is it, that when I hit 50, I now have chin hairs?

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  3. See above about loo rolls and loo roll holder.

    And yes, aren't they at their most adorable when sleeping or when out, behaving beautifully, of course.

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    1. When out with other people while you languish fondly on the sofa, you mean!

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  4. I do that with the weather forecast. I rewound it three times the other day before deciding that I am actually unable to pay any heed to it, even when I really want to. Great list, I empathise on many of them!

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    1. It's weird, isn't it. I hush everyone in readiness for their pronouncements but only ever seem to tune in to Northern Ireland!

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  5. Ha! I spot a onesie (but not on an adult, so you are forgiven).

    I would like to know why a loving God allows suffering in the world, why time goes slowly when you're bored and quickly when you're having a good time, why nitrous oxide (gas and air) - which makes you feel like you've had several gins and tonics in quick succession but doesn't give you a hangover - isn't available instead of alcohol, why Nick Clegg's parents didn't realise that it's not ideal to have a first name ending with the same letter that the surname begins with, and why some people don't like dark chocolate.

    That's just for starters.

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  6. I would like the thinking hat to tell me:

    Why I set my alarm specifically for the 6 am news, then sleep through it.

    Where my son lost his brand new glasses

    But more importantly: my daughter has the same tiger onesie as your son!!!

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  7. Funny post. My friend always says you need children to sleep to recharge your love for them.

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    1. Your friend is very wise and I love their turn of phrase!

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  8. Now that's a sorting hat!

    .... Why Younger Dad is incapable of cleaning up the coffee granules spread over the kitchen surface. :o).

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    1. Oh, yes! I have exactly the same mystery in my house. We should have added it to Marriage Guidance!

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  9. Hehe. Awesome. My 2 year old is in love with hats, throughout each day she will just pop up wearing one she has found somewhere, be it an oversized bowler... or just a bowl.
    I would like to know where 50% of my socks go, one from each pair. I feel, deep down, there must be a sock equivalent of that secret place in the jungle where the elephants stomp.

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    1. I think they might end up at our place for I have dozens of strays that I swear I've never set eyes on before, plus many more singletons of my own.

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    2. Let's have a sock amnesty :)

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  10. Why my husband insists on using the floordrobe instead of the wardrobe...

    but hat aside, where did you get that onsie, WANT! (Only for round the house tho, obvs.)

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    1. Floordrobe - like that! That onesie is a bespoke edition from a Jermyn St tailor. Actually, it's from Primark!

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  11. Why it doesn't matter what time you go to bed, once your children arrive, you're never ready for the morning when it comes?

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