Business Magnate

Ten years ago I decided to become the boss of a small business. The staff was minimal – just me, one part-timer (the Vicar) and a couple of advisors. The overheads, however, were enormous. Eye-watering figures were spent investing in infrastructure and researching core strategies. But what I hadn't bargained for was the emotional cost: the sleepless nights; the anxiety when projected deliverables failed and the fear that storm clouds would scupper my blue-sky thinking.

I wonder why it has taken everyone else until this week to realise that parenthood and corporate management are the self-same thing. Mothers, some expert has belatedly acknowledged, are essentially CEOs of a small business – it's just that the assets are infants and the core product body fluids.

Why, (also this week) it was calculated that over seven days during Christmas we CEO mothers perform £2,500 worth of work, ranging from chef to chauffeur. What a triumph it is for the sisterhood to know that their notional pay places us almost on a par with the British prime minister!

There are many souls, of course, who are not born with the entrepreneurial spirit and who fear the cut-throat world of family management. And there are yet more who have taken the plunge and feel adrift in a competitive climate that demands year-on-year yields alongside sustainable human resources.

My advice is to trust your own instincts and to master the jargon. Once you're fluent in corporate lingo, noone will point out that you, like they, haven't a clue what you're doing. Here, to get you started, is a brief glossary of essential terms: 

First-mover advantage: get your baby in before the rest of your social circle so you have first dibs on the best girls' names/godparents/trust funds before the pool runs dry.

Assess core competencies: do you possess the patience of a prophet? Can you rise unflustered in the small hours and simultaneously change a soaked cot and soothe a soiled banshee? Can you put in an 18-hour day on four hours of sleep? Can you vacuum a hallway while latching on a newborn?

A paradigm shift from high-level to drill-down mode: stop dreaming over the JoJoMamanBebe catalogues; it's time to focus on how to disengage body parts from the breast pump.

Update your go-to-market strategy: nip out and buy a bumper box of Thorntons to safeguard cherished friendships when you discover that no known chemical can shift the residue of baby poo from your neighbour's seagrass matting.

Think mission-critical: learn what matters. Which is an unimpeded evening of Strictly Come Dancing; three nights a week in a bed without a baby in it; Pinot Grigio in the medicine cabinet; Tena Lady.

Leverage the propisition: persuade your partner to accept the urgency of the above.

Gain traction: elbow a route into the outstanding primary school in the next town. 

Enable Push-back: oblige a recalcitrant toddler/tweenager, through threats or bribery, to engage with spinach/algebra.  

Upskill: Train your partner to detect a full nappy with a forefinger, change the bucket of Napisan, locate the TV off-button at feed time, operate the Hoover and put the bins out so you can hoof off to All Bar One.

Multiply your assets: have another baby while the going's good.

Experienced household CEOs are bound to have more technical insights. Share them here...