If I were ever to come by £1million I should spend it on three things: a canal across my garden, a giant wheel of Stilton and a painting by Atkinson Grimshaw. My youthful bedroom was plastered with greetings card prints of Victorian paintings and a poster of Atkinson Grimshaw's Liverpool now hangs beside our kingsize. I have never, however, managed to make the clergy stipend stretch to an original work of art.
But recently I wandered past the masterpieces in the Tate Britain's art galleries. Among the Picassos, the Whistlers and the radiant visions of Turner were some startling contemporary wonders: an ironing board tethered to a twin-tub, for instance; an Ordnance Survey map of Dartmoor with a hand-drawn circle on it and a long, dangerously bent ladder.
On my return a revelation blinded me. I may only dream of possessing the Picassos, the Whistlers and the Turners, but my home is full of priceless artworks; I just never had the eyes to see them before.
Like this:
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| Barbara Hepworth: Three Forms (1935) © Tate, London 2012 |
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| The palliatives required for the Vicar's man flu |
Or this:
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| Piero Manzoni: Artist's Shit (1961) Photo:© Tate, London 2012 |
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| Treasure harvested from my kittens' litter tray. To think, TO THINK, I used to throw the stuff away! Now I know why our local dog walkers hang their knotted bags of proteins so reverently from trees. |
Or this:
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Tracy Emin: 80%-20% Canada (1997) © Tate, London 2012
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| My directions to get myself and the Skoda to Potters Bar last weekend. |
Or this:
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| Terry Atkinson: Map Not to Indicate (1967) © Tate, London 2012 |
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| Map of my local town pared of all detail save for my two most frequent haunts. |
Or this:
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| Barry Flanagan: Pile 3 '68' Photo:© Tate, London |
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| The family towels |
Or this:
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John Latham: Full Stop (1961) © Tate, London 2012
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| A section of the black mould sprouting along the sealant of my bath tub. |
Do you have art works lurking in your home? Go check now! And I can thoroughly recommend trip to all the Tate galleries to help you see the world in a different way.
Brilliant. I'm sure that pile of rubbish, sorry, installation in the corner must be worth a fortune.
ReplyDeleteJust check out your understairs cupboard! That precarious arrangement of contours is visionary.
DeleteThat is priceless! Though not the bag of poo as I'm currently 'awash' in cat shit!
ReplyDeletePriceless? Just what I'd hoped. Will you bid?
DeletePMSL dahling, the only difference between your 'art' and theirs, is that they had the balls to chuck it in a gallery and announce it as a creative endeavour before anyone else muttered, 'Fuck me, is that just some shit in a pot?'
ReplyDeleteArt is subjective. Discuss. (with gin)
Imagine what you could do with your unicorns. Pickle them in formaldehyde...
DeleteOh how much did I laugh at the instructions to get to Potters Bar. Genius!
ReplyDeleteI'll lend them to you any time for navigation or display.
DeleteDamn. I have just spent 15 minutes making my bed (I know, but I am fussy about wrinkles) and now I realise that I've just destroyed a Tracy Emin-style artwork potentially worth thousands. I weel, I'll make another tonight.
ReplyDeleteNever mind. There's always your lav. After all Marcel Duchamp made his name from a urinal.
DeleteCome to think of it, John Latham's Full Stop looks like our plug hole after my wife's washed her hair...
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant - I laughed my way through it.
ReplyDeleteI am now wondering which art works we are harbouring under our kitchen sofa.
A sofa in your kitchen? I want your life!
DeleteUtterly brilliant and very clever. Yet again you've managed to crack a smile on the face of a very tired and increasingly grumpy-faced woman this evening (I'm on about myself, although there's every liklihood my mother will also have seen this - as you know you're her *favourite* blogger).
ReplyDeleteNow you've made me laugh! Go and check out your own art collection. It will cheer you up.
DeleteExcellent point brilliantly illustrated. I definitely have a few of those maps hanging around in my car - may be time for a new career..
ReplyDeleteI'd go for a one of those little white parking tickets if I were you. Maps have, like, so been done!
DeleteHilarious! I love your take on it all. Puts a whole new perspective on moder art. We could all make a fortune from the "Art" lying around our homes!
ReplyDeleteThe funny thing is, after a visit to a modern gallery you do see things differently for a while. Briefly my coiled hosepipe looked a sensation through my newly attuned eyes.
DeleteYou can scribble anything, sign and date it, frame it and tell the world it's worth a fortunr. No one would dare contradict you for fear of being uncultured.
ReplyDeleteThere's an exhibition of invisible art in London at the moment. Empty plinths, empty canvases, empty walls. And £8 admission!
DeleteYou are an artistic genius and I'd pay good money for any of those creations. Except maybe the poo. I have my own supply.
ReplyDeleteAre you at the BiBs on Friday evening? I'll sell you some of them there.
DeleteThis post is classic you and I love it. I am a subscriber and read everything but, as you know, have been really unwell of late, so not always managed to comment. You always write so beautifully and I can't see lepardskin anywhere without thinking of you! Your post about your daughter and her general anaesthetic brought me to tears because I had been terrified of mine only a couple of days beforehand and, had I thought of it being one of my boys, I would have been able to handle it better. You calmed me down in the aftermath anyhow. A very belated thank you X
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry that you have been so unwell. No wonder you were scared of the anaesthetic. I do hope you are recovering. And thanks for such a lovely generous comment.
Deletewhat a great post! totally took me by surprise
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThis is so brilliant, I love it!
ReplyDeleteI am going to be looking everywhere for art in my house now (I think I may have a recreation of your first piece actually).
I'll lease the copyright for a small fee.
DeleteTell me, please, is this real?
ReplyDelete