Recently a BBC researcher contacted me and asked if the family would be willing to be filmed for a series on vicarage life. Obviously, narcissism urged me to say yes. I could be the next Amy Childs, only in an M&S cardie. The church teas on Fridays would be seething with fans wanting to bond with the Vicar over a Jammy Dodger. And watching the episodes would keep me going through the suspenseful wait for the next series of Rev . Indeed, said the researcher, a real-life Rev is what they are after. A heart-warming, fun-filled glimpse into family life in a vicarage to follow Songs of Praise . It was at that point I knew we had to say no. Any fly-on-the-wall portrait of our vicarage life would have to be shown after the 9pm watershed to protect the nation's children. I myself would find it hard to stomach: Graphic footage of me wrestling my chin bristles with deadly steel weaponry in the bathroom and, sheathed in rubber, delving for the plastic Smurf someone's dropped down
I have ordered a new pair of wellies from Amazon for the daily walk to school. My current hardly-at-all-old pair has developed a fissure along one toe. I only noticed this when I was wading along the stream that flows brownly past bobbing Argos bags en route to the afternoon pick up, and I was not pleased. They are a glamorous pair with pink spots and white swirls, bought to ease my daughter's pain in ackowledging a wellie-wearing, stream-paddling mother in public. I now distrust wellies with spots and swirls, so order a safe-looking green pair. Better to be waterproof than glamorous. Royal Mail gets them as far as my door, thrusts through a 'Sorry you were out' card, and promptly loses them. Amazon is sympathetic and dispatches a replacement pair. This also makes it to my door and again a card is left. This time I decide to pick them up in person from the Royal Mail depot. The man behind the glass screen makes off with my delivery card and probably has a cup of tea and
I have always done my own cleaning. Not very often, mind. Once every month or so keeps the funghi at bay. But, each time I've worked out where I keep the dusters, boy do I let rip! Skirting boards. Pelmets. U bends. With my portable radio in one armpit and a sheaf of Miele nozzles in the other, I stalk the vicarage assaulting cobwebs and secretly binning any infant possessions that can't be kicked to oblivion under the beds. But uncooperative lungs have prevented me terrorising the family filth since mid December and even the Vicar is noticing the dustballs that skim in his wake. Sensibly, he seeks out a cleaner for a day to tide us over. I am excited because someone else can fidget the grime out of my daughter's shell collection. And I am nervous because I'm not sure I can cope with someone toiling over my bacteria while I lie on my day bed. What if she forgets to tame the muesli-like stuff under the sofa cushions? (We don't buy muesli. How does it get there?) Wh
People say that you are hard and cold, but to me you are my best friend.
ReplyDeleteOh No Mum...this is Narnia,here is the evidence of the Witch's work!
ReplyDelete'I've caught dinner'
ReplyDeleteCan we take him home? Please?
ReplyDeleteNo mum, I won't go shopping. You'll have to drag me.
ReplyDeleteand I will stay attached to this stone "thing" till you agree to buy me everything on my xmas list......
ReplyDeleteIn Harry Potter, these things fly!
ReplyDeletePleeeease can we take it home?? I'll feed it and care for it and fly it every day...
ReplyDeleteWhat's with the cold shoulder? C'mon, singalong with me...
ReplyDeleteI shall name him Hardwick!
ReplyDeleteI think I might be confused between Twilight and Return to Oz
ReplyDeleteI love you, i really *hic* love you I do.
ReplyDeleteIf I let go it's a long way down....AAARRRGGG
ReplyDelete'yes, my new necklace is 100% human child. It was expensive, sure, but totally worth it'
ReplyDeletePllleeeease can we take him home? Pllleeassse? He won't poop on the carpet!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to eat this turkey mum but it's a bit tough...
ReplyDeleteBut mum, I wanted a teddy. This is not going to be comfortable to sleep with.
ReplyDeletei give you hugs everyday and you dont say anything, man you've a heart of stone
ReplyDeleteThey say if you pull a face and the wind changes, you will get stuck like that. Uh oh?!
ReplyDelete