The Facts of Life

I am walking my daughter and a visiting six-year-old through the park. On a bench is a couple embedded in each other's larynxes.
'They're having sex!' says the six-year-old conversationally.
My nine-year old notices me freeze. 'Don't worry, she consoles me. ''Sex' means kissing.'
I am unthinkingly relieved. Then a horrible thought dawns. If sex means kissing, does kissing mean sex? What might she tell her school mates about daddy's goodnight peck? I realise that the Moment has Come and, as usual, I am not ready for it.
I tramp onwards in weighty silence while I muster my shreds of courage. And then, with agonised effort, I tell her. 'Sex,' I gabble, 'is kissing ... without clothes on.' But I am whistling in the wind. The girls are shrieking with glee over fallen conkers. The moment has passed and I don't have the bottle to resurrect it.


  1. Close call. It's going to happen though isn't it ... better get practising for that facts of life talk!!! By the way are the knitted breasts still in the vestry?

  2. I remember how The Talk went in our family:

    'Daddy, what's sexual intercourse?'

    'Er... oh, you mean social intercourse. It means making conversation.'

  3. As usual, you've made me almost wet myself. Your blog really should come with a "Must Wear Tena Lady Pads" warning.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Various Uses of Rubber

Driving Parents Round the Bend